Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime
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- Create Date：2024-02-26 03:21:56
- Update Date：2025-09-13
- Status：finish
- Author：Julie Menanno
- ISBN：1668012863
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Summary
Create a lasting and loving attachment with the help of the expert couple’s therapist behind the popular Instagram account @TheSecureRelationship。
What does a healthy relationship look like？
A good question， in theory， but expert couple’s therapist Julie Menanno wants you to what does a securely attached relationship feel like？
The answer to this question is the ultimate goal in Secure Love ， a groundbreaking guide to understanding secure attachment in adult relationships。 While attachment theory has grown in popularity to explain the relationship between children and their caregivers， it’s also the closest science has come to making sense of our adult romantic connections。
Julie Menanno is the couple’s therapist behind the popular Instagram account @TheSecureRelationship， whose valuable relationship advice from her expertise gained her over a million fans。 In Secure Love ， Menanno
- Why you and your partner have the same fight over and over （ it’s called a negative cycle， and underlying every fight， argument， silent treatment， or passive-aggressive comment is an unmet attachment need）。
- The four attachment types， with exercises designed to help you understand you and your partner’s attachment style。
- How to improve communication， including staying connected during conflict by prioritizing vulnerability rather than protecting yourself。
- “Instead of that， say this” suggested scripts of how to approach difficult situations in your relationship。
- Why insecure attachment negatively impacts a couple’s sex life and how to restore that sexual connection。
Secure Love is a crash course in understanding how you show up in a relationship and how to get out of negative cycles。 Menanno teaches you how to establish a secure attachment with your partner to create the bond you’ve been longing for。
What does a healthy relationship look like？
A good question， in theory， but expert couple’s therapist Julie Menanno wants you to what does a securely attached relationship feel like？
The answer to this question is the ultimate goal in Secure Love ， a groundbreaking guide to understanding secure attachment in adult relationships。 While attachment theory has grown in popularity to explain the relationship between children and their caregivers， it’s also the closest science has come to making sense of our adult romantic connections。
Julie Menanno is the couple’s therapist behind the popular Instagram account @TheSecureRelationship， whose valuable relationship advice from her expertise gained her over a million fans。 In Secure Love ， Menanno
- Why you and your partner have the same fight over and over （ it’s called a negative cycle， and underlying every fight， argument， silent treatment， or passive-aggressive comment is an unmet attachment need）。
- The four attachment types， with exercises designed to help you understand you and your partner’s attachment style。
- How to improve communication， including staying connected during conflict by prioritizing vulnerability rather than protecting yourself。
- “Instead of that， say this” suggested scripts of how to approach difficult situations in your relationship。
- Why insecure attachment negatively impacts a couple’s sex life and how to restore that sexual connection。
Secure Love is a crash course in understanding how you show up in a relationship and how to get out of negative cycles。 Menanno teaches you how to establish a secure attachment with your partner to create the bond you’ve been longing for。
Reviews
Kasandra Mullaney
，
I absolutely loved this book。 It is very insightful when you're willing to put the work in。 Read it in a day。 I may even re-read it again！ I absolutely loved this book。 It is very insightful when you're willing to put the work in。 Read it in a day。 I may even re-read it again！ 。。。more
Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies
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This book is so great at explaining how attachment theory or how you need to feel secure in your relationship （described as four basic categories of insecure， insecure avoidant， disorganized attachment and insecure anxious） and how when your needs are met you feel safe and are able to prevent or work through conflict but when these needs aren't meant， underlying every fight， argument， silent treatment， pasive-aggressive comment and attack is an unmet need。 This resonated so much with me and my m This book is so great at explaining how attachment theory or how you need to feel secure in your relationship （described as four basic categories of insecure， insecure avoidant， disorganized attachment and insecure anxious） and how when your needs are met you feel safe and are able to prevent or work through conflict but when these needs aren't meant， underlying every fight， argument， silent treatment， pasive-aggressive comment and attack is an unmet need。 This resonated so much with me and my marriage in these cycles of fighting that keep repeating themselves。 I have read so many books on relationships so far this book surpasses them all。Here is a quote: Change can't happen until you reframe your relationship: your partner isn't the enemy。 Instead your negative communication cycle is the enemy。 Destructive words and behaviors are the enemy。 For relationship change to happen， we need to move away from the idea that partners are enemies who must protect themselves from each other。 Once you accept this rerframe， you can start to see how even the relationship behaviors that look the most vicious on the outside are in fact cries for security and closeness。 When we view our conflict through an attachment lens， understanding that ultimately all humans want to bond and feel safe in their relationships， then the magic can happen。 Really worth the read for preparing for relationship/marriage， healing from one that fell apart or especially if you're in it and would like to learn how to make it solid and close and loving。 。。。more
Jo
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superSuper informative and a great read。 Very healing and full of hope and good info。 It was worth the wait！
Dan Z
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I love that all of Sue Johnson's "disciples" are writing books now！ When you read the section on disorganized attachment - she's describing borderline and narcissistic personalities。 Notice， however， that when you read it， you're coming at it from a place of compassion。 Like "Oh！ This person never learned。。。" "Oh！ As a child， this person had no good options。。。" "Oh！ There is a context in which this behavior made sense。。。" I overheard a co-worker going through a break-up recently saying how his e I love that all of Sue Johnson's "disciples" are writing books now！ When you read the section on disorganized attachment - she's describing borderline and narcissistic personalities。 Notice， however， that when you read it， you're coming at it from a place of compassion。 Like "Oh！ This person never learned。。。" "Oh！ As a child， this person had no good options。。。" "Oh！ There is a context in which this behavior made sense。。。" I overheard a co-worker going through a break-up recently saying how his ex "needs help"。 Meanwhile， he was crying as he said it because I'm sure on some level， he was aware of his own contribution to the dysfunction。 Stan Tatkin says "where one partner goes， the other follows"， meaning most people who get together， on a deeper level， have similar levels of distrust。 It's also been researched that these behaviors usually don't show up until 1 or 2 years into the relationship when we begin to "automate"。 My point is that it's sad。 It's sad that we have these deficiencies in our ability to connect。 It's sad that our culture very much reinforces it。 These approaches are all about "mindfulness" and "compassion"。 If I can see that "oops I'm doing it again" and "oops my partner is doing it again"， we can have compassion for self and other。 We're all after the same thing， we just have very different ideas about how to get it - and of course as human nature likes to make things complicated - we also have the ability to polarize each other as we push in different directions。 Healthy marriages lead to healthy children。 Stan Tatkin also says （in relation to family systems theory） that the parents are the CEO's of the family。 Take this book seriously and create a safe haven and secure base with your partner。 You will need it when times get tough with your children。 Not only will this security make you more available to your children， it will model secure relating for them。 After all we are all monkeys watching and learning from each other - especially when we're little and have little brains。 Thank you for your work and dedication to the hardest job in the world， Julie！ Sitting "between" two angry adults who are showing up as the hurt children they once were。 Brave doesn't say enough。 。。。more
Ink_Drinker
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🎧Audiobook Review🎧 Secure Love/Julie MenannoSimon Audio/30-Jan-2024Genre: Self Help/10hr 27 mins I've always been interested in the dynamics of relationships and ways to make them stronger， so when I say Julie Menanno's new Book， I knew I needed to listen to it。 ●Secure Love shifts the focus from what a healthy relationship looks like to what it feels like。 ●Menanno's expertise shines as she unveils the four attachment types， providing exercises to decode yours and your partner's attachment sty 🎧Audiobook Review🎧 Secure Love/Julie MenannoSimon Audio/30-Jan-2024Genre: Self Help/10hr 27 mins I've always been interested in the dynamics of relationships and ways to make them stronger， so when I say Julie Menanno's new Book， I knew I needed to listen to it。 ●Secure Love shifts the focus from what a healthy relationship looks like to what it feels like。 ●Menanno's expertise shines as she unveils the four attachment types， providing exercises to decode yours and your partner's attachment styles。 ●Communication takes center stage， urging couples to prioritize vulnerability over self-protection during conflicts。 ●The "Instead of that， say this" scripts offer practical tools to navigate tricky relationship situations， fostering understanding and connection。 ●A profound exploration into the impact of insecure attachment on a couple's intimate life is accompanied by actionable steps to restore the flame。 ●Secure Love isn't just a guide; it's a crash course in self-awareness， unraveling negative cycles and paving the way for a secure and fulfilling bond with your partner。 🎧 Julie's voice was like a warm hug， making you feel safe and listened to， like you were sitting in a comfy chair in her office for a therapy session。 。。。more
Lindsey
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An extremely informative， thorough， and helpful read。 This book will be invaluable for those who struggle with what the author calls "negative cycles" in relationships， typically driven by insecure attachment styles。 If you're looking for ways to improve your relationship satisfaction and break old cycles， I can't recommend Secure Love enough！ An extremely informative， thorough， and helpful read。 This book will be invaluable for those who struggle with what the author calls "negative cycles" in relationships， typically driven by insecure attachment styles。 If you're looking for ways to improve your relationship satisfaction and break old cycles， I can't recommend Secure Love enough！ 。。。more
Lexi McCullough
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Go be imperfect🩷🩷
Sarah Puinno
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Perfectly written！ For any readers struggling with insecure attachment， Julie has created a straight forward roadmap to healing。 I’ve learned invaluable tools on becoming more securely attached。 Thank you， Julie！
Tam
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It may seem to be more for couples but it is really also for self love self growth。
Dee
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I can't recommend this book highly enough to everyone。 It's accessible and easy to understand。 It's an eye-opening reading experience。 The author has such a gentle and soothing voice， that it made for a really good reading experience especially when it comes to the harsh truth。 I learned so much about attachment styles and how they can play a huge part in relationships。 If you want to better understand how your childhood upbringing affects your adult relationships and how to have a， not perfect I can't recommend this book highly enough to everyone。 It's accessible and easy to understand。 It's an eye-opening reading experience。 The author has such a gentle and soothing voice， that it made for a really good reading experience especially when it comes to the harsh truth。 I learned so much about attachment styles and how they can play a huge part in relationships。 If you want to better understand how your childhood upbringing affects your adult relationships and how to have a， not perfect， but better relationship， this read is worth it。Hope you enjoy itAnd as always Happy Reading！！**Thank you to Simon and Schuster for a free copy for an honest review。 。。。more
wellreadtraveler
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I always feel like couples should read books together to help them learn and grow together。 This book was such a great example of how couples best intentions can go wrong or be interpreted the wrong way。 Classic case of two different "love languages" gone wrong。 I loved that author uses examples to help the reader understand what she's trying to teach and follows up with how we can make a few small changes to be understood better。 Maybe your partners feels loved when you do things for him but yo I always feel like couples should read books together to help them learn and grow together。 This book was such a great example of how couples best intentions can go wrong or be interpreted the wrong way。 Classic case of two different "love languages" gone wrong。 I loved that author uses examples to help the reader understand what she's trying to teach and follows up with how we can make a few small changes to be understood better。 Maybe your partners feels loved when you do things for him but you think your showing him love by being affectionate。 He thinks doing things for you will make you feel loved because that's what he likes， but your upset because you just want the physical touch。 Both parties have the best intentions and are trying but simply "doing it wrong"。 I made lots of notes when I was reading and had a few "ah ha"moments。 I will defiantly be handing this book off to my husband because one person can't improve on marriage without the other person also being willing to help。 Secure Love will help couples be their best for each other。 。。。more
Mariah Buell
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Wow wow wow！ This book is worth thousands of dollars in couples therapy。 I’ve been a loyal follower of the authors Instagram @TheSecureRelationship and always enjoyed the simple graphics with tips on how to communicate or respond to common relationship struggles。 The author did a fantastic job of describing the different attachment styles and giving examples for you as the reader to determine which attachment style you most likely fall into。 Knowing your attachment style will help you realize wh Wow wow wow！ This book is worth thousands of dollars in couples therapy。 I’ve been a loyal follower of the authors Instagram @TheSecureRelationship and always enjoyed the simple graphics with tips on how to communicate or respond to common relationship struggles。 The author did a fantastic job of describing the different attachment styles and giving examples for you as the reader to determine which attachment style you most likely fall into。 Knowing your attachment style will help you realize why you respond the way you do and how you can better communicate to get your needs met。 The author doesn’t just tell you what to do， she SHOWS you with an entire chapter dedicated to scripts with “instead of this”， “do this”。 If you want to better understand how childhood upbringing affects your adult relationships and how to have a， not perfect， but better relationship， this read is definitely worth it。 。。。more
Shelby
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Absolutely incredible read！ This is an excellent book to read in any stage of your relationship。 The tools I learned， I will carry with me for many years to come。 It was really an exceptional read and it genuinely felt like you were conversing with a therapist the entire read。 The examples were incredibly helpful as well， Major thank you to the publishers at Simon and Schuster as well as the author for the ARC of this book in exchange for my honest review。
Lisa
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Disclosure: I received a copy of Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno， MA， LMFT， LCPC， in exchange for an honest review。 Thank you to publisher Simon and Schuster， and author Julie Menanno for an opportunity to review this excellent book。A must-have guide for adult relationships to nurture healthy communication！Great info on various attachment styles and their impact on adult connections。 Readers will find the suggested scripts and Appendix （childhood avoidan Disclosure: I received a copy of Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno， MA， LMFT， LCPC， in exchange for an honest review。 Thank you to publisher Simon and Schuster， and author Julie Menanno for an opportunity to review this excellent book。A must-have guide for adult relationships to nurture healthy communication！Great info on various attachment styles and their impact on adult connections。 Readers will find the suggested scripts and Appendix （childhood avoidant attachment） especially helpful。 。。。more
Michelle Smith
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Menanno clearly discusses the possible attachment insecurities and styles that many people are unaware that they are displaying in their most important intimate relationships。 Along with being clearly discussed this book also is a great companion to any couple's therapy sessions， especially if you are looking for a way to have common language about insecure attachment issues。 This book also includes visual diagrams that can really help to simplify the complex nature of this book。 Menanno clearly discusses the possible attachment insecurities and styles that many people are unaware that they are displaying in their most important intimate relationships。 Along with being clearly discussed this book also is a great companion to any couple's therapy sessions， especially if you are looking for a way to have common language about insecure attachment issues。 This book also includes visual diagrams that can really help to simplify the complex nature of this book。 。。。more
Markie
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"Secure Love" by Julie Menanno， a book recommended by readers on NetGalley， delves into the intriguing realm of attachment styles， gaining prominence in the United States over the last five years。 While the concept itself is not new， the author， a marriage therapist， takes a thorough approach to exploring and improving romantic relationships。The book begins by following Bea， undergoing a divorce and inheriting her aunt's home， only to face unexpected challenges with her ex-husband。 As she crosse "Secure Love" by Julie Menanno， a book recommended by readers on NetGalley， delves into the intriguing realm of attachment styles， gaining prominence in the United States over the last five years。 While the concept itself is not new， the author， a marriage therapist， takes a thorough approach to exploring and improving romantic relationships。The book begins by following Bea， undergoing a divorce and inheriting her aunt's home， only to face unexpected challenges with her ex-husband。 As she crosses paths with Luke， a repairman， a spark of attraction emerges， yet Bea finds herself hesitant to pursue a new connection。Navigating through twists and turns， including a wedding， the narrative provides valuable insights into attachment styles。 Beyond the secure type， the author explores insecure attachment styles， offering practical scripts for effectively dealing with individuals carrying early developmental attachment wounds into adulthood。The author's gentle approach emphasizes treating everyone with dignity， fostering a profound understanding that extends beyond labels。 While not specifically seeking marriage counseling， the reader finds the book remarkably helpful in cultivating empathy and enhancing relationship dynamics。The wisdom shared resonates with the importance of expressing messages in a way that conveys， "you matter to me。" Addressing the inevitability of differences in long-term relationships， the book advocates for validating a partner's perspective with empathy， always prioritizing the health of the relationship。An interesting observation posited by the author is that most couple arguments often boil down to the same underlying reason， irrespective of the specific topic。Comparatively， another book titled "It's Not Your Fault" is mentioned for its concise explanation of attachment theory。 Authored by someone who worked on overcoming attachment wounds to attain a secure attachment style， it provides hope for those willing to put in the effort。In conclusion， "Secure Love" is recommended for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of attachment theory and looking to improve their relationships。 The author's empathetic and insightful guidance， coupled with a wealth of information， makes it a valuable resource for both individuals and couples。 The book's accessible nature and serendipitous discovery make it a highly recommended read， earning it a well-deserved five-star rating。 。。。more
Susan Walker
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Good read on how to build a relationship。 I liked that it had examples of what not to say and what to say。
Karen
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SECURE LOVEBY: JULIE MENANNOThis was a book that was a *Reader Recommend* that I had seen on Net Galley。 I was interested in learning more about attachment styles which have gained popularity in the United States in the last five years。 It isn't a new concept in the field of psychology。 I thought that I knew psychiatrist John Bowlby was the pioneer who came up with attachment theory in the 1950's。 This non-fiction book called， "Secure Love，" is written by a marriage therapist named Julie Menanno SECURE LOVEBY: JULIE MENANNOThis was a book that was a *Reader Recommend* that I had seen on Net Galley。 I was interested in learning more about attachment styles which have gained popularity in the United States in the last five years。 It isn't a new concept in the field of psychology。 I thought that I knew psychiatrist John Bowlby was the pioneer who came up with attachment theory in the 1950's。 This non-fiction book called， "Secure Love，" is written by a marriage therapist named Julie Menanno， and I wasn't expecting it to go in as much depth as it does regarding how to improve romantic relationships。 She cites psychiatrist John Bowlby's "Attachment Theory History，" to have been work that he did with "delinquent adolescent boys，" in the 1990's。 While that may be the case， my understanding was that he came up with the theory during the 1950's and it's getting more recognition in the last five years。Basically， how we attach to our romantic partners and who we are drawn to according to John Bowlby is directly correlated to how we attached to our parents or caregivers as early as being in the womb。 This is my working definition that I'm drawing this information from what I thought I already knew before reading this book。 I'm including it for the sake of simplicity for those who might not be familiar with the different attachment styles。 This author refers to the same idea， but she uses the attachment theory as such， that how we attach to our romantic partners is derived from how we as children and teenagers attached to our parents or caregivers。 As I'm reviewing her book I'm going to assume her working theory even though it isn't what I thought I knew。 My purpose for reading this book was to try to expand on the knowledge of learning more about attachment theory， and instead I gained additional insight in to how I can relate to other people with the different types of attachment styles besides the secure type that I have。 This author includes the insecure styles of attachment and provides scripts on how to have success when dealing with those who carry their early developmental attachment wounds into adulthood。 I agree with this author in that we identify as so much more than our labels of our attachment styles。 I wasn't looking for a book on marriage counseling， but I did find this book to be extremely helpful with its gentle approach to treating everyone with dignity。 It is the type of book that I can't read just once， because there is too much information to absorb in one reading for everything to sink in。 A lot of the information is common sense when it comes to being a good partner。 This author echoes what I believe to be true that it's vital to express when we're communicating with our partner that it is done in such a way that our message conveys， "that you matter to me。" Every long term relationship is going to have differences of ideas and opinions when you've been together long enough。 It's vital to validate your partners point of view using empathy always with the goal of doing what's best towards the health of the relationship。 "Our relationship matters to me and is important enough that I'm curious to hear more of your ideas。" This author states that usually when couples argue it boils down to the same reason， even though it's a different topic or subject。 I read a different book that I will review next that has a more concise explanation about attachment theory， called "It's Not Your Fault。" It is written by a woman who worked on her attachment wounds to eventually rise above them and she now identifies as having a secure attachment style。 That gives hope to people that if you do the hard work， it's possible to overcome what this author categorizes as the insecure attachment styles。 This author is a therapist who works with couples having problems in their relationships and she uses different examples of their particular problem。 She goes in depth of different scenarios giving what not to say during a conflict and provides other alternatives of what to say that is most likely to repair a conflict。To make this easier to understand when a person is a baby or a very young child， and his/her caregiver or parents met this persons needs consistently， it carries into adult romantic relationships that this person has a secure attachment style。 A person with a secure attachment style doesn't look to their romantic partner to get their needs met。 They usually seek out a securely attachment style romantic partner and those long term relationships are most likely to be the healthiest and can easily navigate conflict。 The other three types of attachment styles are those infants and young children that for some reason due to neglect or abuse didn't get their needs met。 This isn't usually done on purpose。 I don't believe any parents or caregivers consciously decide to deprive their baby or child of not being emotionally available or physically available on purpose。 Maybe the mother was hospitalized due to illness or the baby was in foster care， but whatever the reason the baby or young child didn't get their needs met。 They fall into three insecure attachment styles as children that they carry with them as adults and into their romantic relationships。 The three are anxious attachment style， avoidant attachment style， and disorganized attachment style。 It would serve you well to identify which attachment style that you most identify with。 Also， it's extremely beneficial to try to tease out your romantic partner's attachment style。 The traits of all four attachment styles are included in this book。 If you happen to identify with insecure anxious， insecure avoidant， or insecure disorganized then you will find hope because this author has written a brilliant resource in how to segue way towards healing your attachment style and provides the pathway towards self growth。 Even though this book is intended for couples it's also， beneficial as a starting point for people who aren't in a relationship towards acquiring healthy skills with an overabundance of information。 I can't recommend this book highly enough to everyone。 It's accessible and easy to understand。 Like I said， it was an accidental and serendipitous discovery for me。 My purpose when I decided to read it was to glean more information towards attachment theory with the idea of educating my two adult sons。 What I discovered was a treasure trove of information on becoming a more empathetic wife towards my wonderful husband。 It's an eye opening reading experience that isn't something that I would never usually pick up， but I'm so glad that I did。 The author has a gentle voice and it is a soothing reading experience。 I have one more that although， not as comprehensive as this is， I honestly can't wait to review it because I read it before this one。 This I'll admit is easy to understand， but not my usual genre。 I'm grateful for reading both of them， and will read this again in the future。 Not for a long time， because I need a break from the heavy subject matter。 I do think this is deserving of the Five star rating！Publication Date: January 30， 2024Thank you to Net Galley， Julie Menanno and Simon & Schuster for generously providing me with my ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review。 All opinions are my own。#SecureLove #JulieMenanno #Simon&Schuster #NetGalley 。。。more
Kelly Pramberger
，
Secure Love was like having a month of sessions with a therapist。 I learned so much from this book about attachment styles and how they can play a huge part in marriage。 This book came at the right time in my life。 Well done。 Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC。 Five stars。 Lot of details in a clear and understandable way。 Great charts at the end！
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